Return of the rage.

I couldn’t tell you who I’m thinking of. Remember that. The man stands... height?... average. Build?.... average. Well how am I suppose to distinguish him? Something that’s been bothering me for while now. A question I can’t honestly answer... not because I’m dishonest but because I simply cannot come up with an answer. How can I honestly tell myself that most of the time your friends become your enemies, and vice versa, and that it’ll be nearly impossible to tell when the switch happens? It was at this point I heard him. As if creeping out of some long buried and even longer forgotten memory. I heard his madness seething out from my own thoughts as they become more sporadic and less comprehensible. But I’m trying right? I’m fighting it. I’m trying as hard as I can to try and stick to my principles, instead of letting my emotions... always my emotions ... anger... hate... betrayal...... if I had to boil it down to just one, well.... I guess it would have to be, rage.      It has to be. It’s the only emotion that could explain the madness that’s swirling around inside my mind. I’ve had trouble sleeping for so long, but lately it’s getting worse, it’s like I don’t trust anyone so therefore; every noise, every whisper, anything sets me on edge. Maybe I overthink. But the last few days have me contemplating maybe I’m right. My closest friends... feel like the most distant strangers. The people I smiled with most are now the same reason I’m gritting my teeth in anxiety and losing my sleep. How’d this happen?! I’m not sure. Hell, if I’m being honest at this point I couldn’t care. Wait, but these are my closest friends! .... right? I felt like they were. Maybe that’s why this hurts so much. But they chose their side! They made it clear! How can you even care let alone feel some form of sentiment for these people? I’m shocked, this is the first time throughout this entire dialogue that I realize some of the words, possibly all of them are not my own. At what point did his madness start to cloud my own thoughts? Really, everything I was doing felt like it was my own will. Maybe it was all part of his plans..? But how? How could he anticipate such things?! How does he always know? It’s impossible... at least it should be, there’s no way to anticipate others actions. Especially actions derived from someone else’s illogical emotionally driven actions. How?! And that’s when I realized he doesn’t. He’s... for lack of a better word, an opportunist. But I’m not upset or angry. I’m in fact for once thankful. I feel like thanks to him I dodged a bullet! These situations and feelings seem to run deeper than I’m capable of interacting with... so I guess I’m forced to leave it in his hands.. just take a passenger seat to my own life... for now. If I had to describe it it’s like being underwater while simultaneously living your life.. I can see and hear but it all just seems distorted, even distant. Lately things have started feeling harder and harder to keep in my control, I’m not happy about it but.. it consoles me to know he’s there. To protect me even when I’ve stopped caring to protect myself. Someone who’s on my side and my side alone. A rareity these days. I can’t help but feel like his presence is what attracts these types of situations. But I must admit he’s the only person I see fighting on my side when it does come down to it. So I can’t label him an enemy... right? What do you call the person who seems to attract your pain, but at the same time is the only individual you can say you know is Actively working against that very pain? I’m fully aware of how little sense this makes. I hate to admit it...but, I’m terrified and hurt, and he’s the only helping hand I see, even though I don’t trust it I have to accept it.