Return of the rage.

I couldn’t tell you who I’m thinking of. Remember that. The man stands... height?... average. Build?.... average. Well how am I suppose to distinguish him? Something that’s been bothering me for while now. A question I can’t honestly answer... not because I’m dishonest but because I simply cannot come up with an answer. How can I honestly tell myself that most of the time your friends become your enemies, and vice versa, and that it’ll be nearly impossible to tell when the switch happens? It was at this point I heard him. As if creeping out of some long buried and even longer forgotten memory. I heard his madness seething out from my own thoughts as they become more sporadic and less comprehensible. But I’m trying right? I’m fighting it. I’m trying as hard as I can to try and stick to my principles, instead of letting my emotions... always my emotions ... anger... hate... betrayal...... if I had to boil it down to just one, well.... I guess it would have to be, rage.      It has to be. It’s the only emotion that could explain the madness that’s swirling around inside my mind. I’ve had trouble sleeping for so long, but lately it’s getting worse, it’s like I don’t trust anyone so therefore; every noise, every whisper, anything sets me on edge. Maybe I overthink. But the last few days have me contemplating maybe I’m right. My closest friends... feel like the most distant strangers. The people I smiled with most are now the same reason I’m gritting my teeth in anxiety and losing my sleep. How’d this happen?! I’m not sure. Hell, if I’m being honest at this point I couldn’t care. Wait, but these are my closest friends! .... right? I felt like they were. Maybe that’s why this hurts so much. But they chose their side! They made it clear! How can you even care let alone feel some form of sentiment for these people? I’m shocked, this is the first time throughout this entire dialogue that I realize some of the words, possibly all of them are not my own. At what point did his madness start to cloud my own thoughts? Really, everything I was doing felt like it was my own will. Maybe it was all part of his plans..? But how? How could he anticipate such things?! How does he always know? It’s impossible... at least it should be, there’s no way to anticipate others actions. Especially actions derived from someone else’s illogical emotionally driven actions. How?! And that’s when I realized he doesn’t. He’s... for lack of a better word, an opportunist. But I’m not upset or angry. I’m in fact for once thankful. I feel like thanks to him I dodged a bullet! These situations and feelings seem to run deeper than I’m capable of interacting with... so I guess I’m forced to leave it in his hands.. just take a passenger seat to my own life... for now. If I had to describe it it’s like being underwater while simultaneously living your life.. I can see and hear but it all just seems distorted, even distant. Lately things have started feeling harder and harder to keep in my control, I’m not happy about it but.. it consoles me to know he’s there. To protect me even when I’ve stopped caring to protect myself. Someone who’s on my side and my side alone. A rareity these days. I can’t help but feel like his presence is what attracts these types of situations. But I must admit he’s the only person I see fighting on my side when it does come down to it. So I can’t label him an enemy... right? What do you call the person who seems to attract your pain, but at the same time is the only individual you can say you know is Actively working against that very pain? I’m fully aware of how little sense this makes. I hate to admit it...but, I’m terrified and hurt, and he’s the only helping hand I see, even though I don’t trust it I have to accept it.

Cruel Angels Thesis

“Like an angel with cruel and merciless intent, go forth young boy and you’ll become a legend.” I haven’t written in so long and I don’t really know what to say I’m not happy but I’m not exactly sad any longer either. I can’t exactly describe how I feel. It’s just an emptiness or a hunger for better.. I want it all just not sure how to get it.. I don’t wanna be the bad guy but I usually end up being so anyway. Maybe I should follow my own deviant divine philosophy. Maybe it’s time to worry about myself and not what others feel about me.. maybe I have to truly kill the old me for who I am now to flourish.. maybe this was all a cruel angels thesis from the start

Alive and well

I’m just another tattered soul but I’m still fighting for my beliefs and I’m healing day by day. I may not be perfect but nobody is and it doesn’t matter. All that’s important is I’m trying :)

Delete..

I’ll delete every remnant of your existence in my life and burn anything you don’t come get just to be rid of you, but I still wish you the best I may hate you and be angry but I did like things about you too I just hope one day maybe we’ll be close again.

An exercise in futility

I tried to be a friend to someone who didn’t deserve it. Someone who deserves less than any of the other scum I dealt with. Someone who swore she cared and respected me. But all she did was lie to me, treat me like shit, and make me hate life more. so I’ve decided I’m done with cunts like that. I’ll never give another soul the benefit of the doubt or compassion. All anyone will receive from me is Venom and hate.

I just want to escape

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the sky is blue... by all means it’s technically a beautiful day. But, I feel so empty. I can’t even begin to explain it, this.. this feeling of not feeling. I feel as if I only think about escape. I hate where I live, I hate the people, I hate the smell, I hate it all. I just want to escape. To an island with a woman who cares about me if I ever find one. I just want to escape. To get away from all the things that destroyed me as a person. To be free of all the things weighing me down and reminding me of how stagnant I have become. I just want to escape. To a place where all I worry about is if I need sunglasses today or not. I just want to escape. To hide from all the terrible aspects of this life. I just want to escape. From all the feelings that haunt me both of past and present. I just want to escape. The feeling of being trapped and surrounded by hate. I just want to escape. The impending nature of how lonely I am and will continue to be. I just want to escape. The reality of how little people understand one another and how little they attempt to. I just want to escape. The feeling of obligation I have to those around me when they would never go that same mile for me. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape....

Swim in the light, dive in the dark.

They say swim in the light... have they even seen the darkness? Felt it’s temptation? Enjoyed the guilty pleasures that they refuse to admit? I’ve tried being “good”, I’ve tried... goddamn it I really gave it my all. But it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough.. the dark side of my temptations is the path with less obstacles so it must be the right path, right? I wanted to good and be honest and just. But, in the end I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t endure and why should I? Why should I suffer doing “the right thing” with stupid naive hope for so long when I could just accept my nature for what it is and be myself. Being the asshole comes easier anyway. I spent a lot of time trying to be nice and do the right thing in the hopes that it would attract likeminded individuals. I was sorely mistaken. I got my emotions trampled on even more so than when I was the asshole who deserved it. So why not embrace the darkness? Just be the person people expect me to be. Who knows maybe I’ll stumble upon a diamond in the rough and get something I want or I’ll die alone it doesn’t really matter to me at this point as long as I’m enjoying the ride..