Those Eyes

Nobody is as they seem. They all have something they keep locked deep inside. For some it's regret, for others it's pain. I keep both inside, but I'm not the only one. some old dude once said that "The Eyes Are The Window To The Soul" I agree with him.  when I was growing up my uncle's daughter who's actually a few years older than me got evicted and her and her other siblings had to live with us for awhile. no biggie. One day they came in my room without knocking. It's not like I was doing anything bad. I was doing what I still do mostly these days. just laying in bed listening to music. loud enough that they could hear it and unfortunately I never heard them come in the room. I had bunk beds at one time growing up(that's when things were going pretty good) I don't know why I had them, I grew up an only child and it wasn't like I had friends to stay over back then. I slept on the top bunk and would lay up there all the time. but anyway, they had watched me for 15 minutes or at least that's how long I know of. they just watched and heard the songs I was listening to like fucking weirdos! back then my walkmen (yes I had a walkmen) played only one CD, it was one I burned myself. they heard me listen to Stan by eminem 5 times before asking if I was ok. I didn't know what to say. I was caught! They had seen something nobody was meant to. I told them i fell asleep with it on repeat and that was the end of it. or so I thought.. later that day get brother and sister went to the park, it was just me and my older cousin now.. she was maybe 16 back then and I was about 10 or 11 I'm not sure. we were watching tv and she turned to me and said "you were awake" immediately I was dumbfounded. I asked what she meant. "your eyes were open, you laid there with the music on, staring at the ceiling lifeless barely even blinking" I laughed and said you're seeing things. she told me to stop lying. I was frozen. she knew what she saw, and I knew there was no convincing her otherwise. I tried to brush it off and say so? she looked me in the eye and said "You don't have to fake a smile all the time, it's no use. everyone can see the sadness in your eyes anyway"

She was right all those years ago. You can see every emotion when you look someone in the eye. so just remember, you don't have to fake a smile all the time. sometimes being strong means admitting you're not ok

HEY! MR. RAGER!

He lives in all of us. We all know him and we all have at one time or another let him take control. he's the voice that says "fuck it". you can ignore him all you want but his words become deafening after so long. the whispers become screams, the words become speeches and his nonsense becomes reason. He won't get you killed but he can get you hurt, your pain is the reason he exist. not to cause but to numb it. He wants to help in his own twisted way. trust me when I say that he is your strongest opponent and you're weakest ally all at once. He protects you from the very things he attracts. He is in definition, your pain, your sorrow and your anger embodied. I fear his existence. BUT I DO ACCEPT IT. for denying him is pointless, when you keep it bottled up it'll just burst at the wrong moments. when you're high and drunk he's out and about while your regular self enjoys the buzz. You will never meet him but everyone around you knows him all too well. I had him contained. or at least I thought I did. When I drink he begins to show himself, when I Black out it is him who keeps me going and keeps me safe. when I'm high he is happy, and allows me to be free from my troubles for a while. This man answers to nobody. He fears none. He respects few, and likes fewer.  He only wants one thing in return for the freedom he offers. He wants complete control while you enjoy his relief. I unlike most accepts his terms. He is the monster under your bed. He is the skeleton in your closet. He is forever. He is the Rager

Paradise

"Soaring through paradise, when I'm closing my eyes"

People live their lives in complete obliviousness. we work and strive for something that cannot be achieved. Scholars have asked since the beginning of time, what is the meaning of life? the answer is in front of them. nobody wants to accept it though. we live in order to die. We for some reason can't grasp this concept. we strive all our lives for happiness, it'll never be achieved. anyone with half a brain will never be content because they are intelligent enough to see the problems. then the select few who are a step ahead of the crowd know they'll never be happy. i myself have given up the search for happiness i have come to understand that paradise only exist when one closes their eyes in death. then you're free. I've never died so i can't deny the existence of an afterlife. i also can't confirm it. I've been contemplating atheism though. I mean how can a "magic man" aka God who loves and takes care of everyone exist. i say every night crying begging him, praying for one thing. and what'd i get? nothing! he took it all. if he even exists! i am in love but the one i love continually and habitually mistreats me. when i need some one the most I'm standing alone. I was told that nobody ever wanted me an no one ever will. I'm starting to believe it. i mean why else do they all leave? I just wanna go somewhere and be alone. my thoughts swirl and become more chaotic each day. i contemplate suicide at least 5 times a day. but is that so weird? everybody has their time to go, maybe mine is at hand. i have never given up when it comes to anything...maybe now is my time to start? "things do come around and make sense eventually" that's what I'm told but some things still trouble me. i feel like a black cloud follows me around. i feel like i was disconnected from everyone else a long time ago. i don't laugh as much as i used to and half the time i do laugh I'm faking it.

then again I'm just another kid at the train station on his phone. nobody would ever think all this goes through my mind just by looking. we all right out internal wars within our thoughts and feelings. we all have our struggle. I want out. My paradise is in my death. Only then will I be free. Happiness is just an illusion created by the cruel and sad. "ignorance is bliss"

19 Years

9,986,400 Minutes... That's How long It's been. At least In my life that's how long its been all together from start til now. I can admit I'm young, But I can honestly say I have the life experience of a man who's seen and heard it all. My birthday is approaching in the next few days, and unlike most people I can't say I'm even remotely happy or excited for it.. I haven't had a "fun" birthday in over 10 years. They've all been spent in Handcuffs, or hospital beds...I'm terrified of what this one brings... But that's enough of an intro... The last few weeks have been hectic from every aspect of my life and I'll admit it, even though I was always raised to never give up, and to keep fighting no matter what the obstacle I'm facing is.. I'm starting break down... the woman I love tells me she loves me but at the same time she tells me she cant be with only 1 person, how am I supposed to react to that? the constant fear of her leaving is eating away at me slowly. I can't handle this shit! I'm so sick of it. Don't walk into someones life and make them care if you plan on fucking WALKING OUT!! I act like an asshole around the outside world but that's for my protection... I'm still a person I HAVE FEELINGS GOD DAMN IT! I refuse to be treated like a second option in any way, shape, or form! I love you 'Babushka' I need you to know that, I also need you to know that When I said forever I meant especially that promise. Don't ruin what we have... SPIKE Idania How could you? I LOVED YOU LIKE THE MOTHER I NEVER HAD! How can you even do something like this? How do you make a child feel like he's your own and then abandon him? How could claim motherhood, then just send me away? You run around claiming sainthood, when in fact you're no better than the crooks I see everyday in the hood! You tell people I'm the bad guy when in fact you only took me in for the money and you're pissed because I put a stop to it! you deserve to be broke! I hope all the evil you do unto others comes around to you twice as hard! This blog wasn't a story it was my venting on everything I've been going through lately and I'll admit it my faith is weak and I don't know what I believe in anymore and I leave you with one question, "If God doesn't give you more than you can handle, when people commit suicide, is that them reaching their limit?"

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!

- Bill Maher