broken

I feel misplaced. I mean am I really part of a dying breed? I must be, I have to be, crazy to think that in this day and age or better yet in this era such a thing even exists. I've tried to wrap my head around it so many times. Do you know the definition of 'insanity'? "repeating something over and over the same way and expecting different results". So I'm either insane for wanting what I want, who I want or incredibly naïve for thinking that such a thing could even be found still. I'll never really complain out loud or in person, I have no right to. People like me have no right to, broken people. I'm not exactly sure how it even happened but it did and there's no going back to the way I was, something's missing. I want to be whole again. I want what everyone else seems to get easily like its their fucking birth right. Don't see this as anger or depression its more confusion than anything. Like I said "I feel misplaced". I feel lost in places, situations, and conversations so much, not like I can't keep up but more so in the sense of I don't belong here wasting my time, my life basically on things that will never come to fruition. THAT would make me insane technically speaking at least. I asked everyone I thought might know if they knew how to fix someone like me, everyone says they do but they're all full of shit. Hollow, that's the best word to describe it. I'm here but I'm not really "here". I'm just a shell that resembles me on the outside and on the inside where all that stuff I'm desperately searching for should be, is nothing. Do you know what its like to not feel? I just pretend, happiness, sadness, anger you name it. Recently I had hope for one fleeting moment, for that split second I really felt something. Too bad I'm not stupid or something then at least I wouldn't notice the pointlessness of my actions. I wouldn't even understand my own lack of happiness, maybe ignorance is bliss if that's the case. I haven't had a dream in god knows how long. When I sleep its either blackness or nightmares. I won't give up, I can't give up... Not while I still at least remember what happiness feels like. But then again I'm starting to see that happiness isn't an option for someone like me....broken and lost