Cruel Angels Thesis

“Like an angel with cruel and merciless intent, go forth young boy and you’ll become a legend.” I haven’t written in so long and I don’t really know what to say I’m not happy but I’m not exactly sad any longer either. I can’t exactly describe how I feel. It’s just an emptiness or a hunger for better.. I want it all just not sure how to get it.. I don’t wanna be the bad guy but I usually end up being so anyway. Maybe I should follow my own deviant divine philosophy. Maybe it’s time to worry about myself and not what others feel about me.. maybe I have to truly kill the old me for who I am now to flourish.. maybe this was all a cruel angels thesis from the start

Alive and well

I’m just another tattered soul but I’m still fighting for my beliefs and I’m healing day by day. I may not be perfect but nobody is and it doesn’t matter. All that’s important is I’m trying :)

Delete..

I’ll delete every remnant of your existence in my life and burn anything you don’t come get just to be rid of you, but I still wish you the best I may hate you and be angry but I did like things about you too I just hope one day maybe we’ll be close again.

An exercise in futility

I tried to be a friend to someone who didn’t deserve it. Someone who deserves less than any of the other scum I dealt with. Someone who swore she cared and respected me. But all she did was lie to me, treat me like shit, and make me hate life more. so I’ve decided I’m done with cunts like that. I’ll never give another soul the benefit of the doubt or compassion. All anyone will receive from me is Venom and hate.

I just want to escape

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the sky is blue... by all means it’s technically a beautiful day. But, I feel so empty. I can’t even begin to explain it, this.. this feeling of not feeling. I feel as if I only think about escape. I hate where I live, I hate the people, I hate the smell, I hate it all. I just want to escape. To an island with a woman who cares about me if I ever find one. I just want to escape. To get away from all the things that destroyed me as a person. To be free of all the things weighing me down and reminding me of how stagnant I have become. I just want to escape. To a place where all I worry about is if I need sunglasses today or not. I just want to escape. To hide from all the terrible aspects of this life. I just want to escape. From all the feelings that haunt me both of past and present. I just want to escape. The feeling of being trapped and surrounded by hate. I just want to escape. The impending nature of how lonely I am and will continue to be. I just want to escape. The reality of how little people understand one another and how little they attempt to. I just want to escape. The feeling of obligation I have to those around me when they would never go that same mile for me. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape....

Swim in the light, dive in the dark.

They say swim in the light... have they even seen the darkness? Felt it’s temptation? Enjoyed the guilty pleasures that they refuse to admit? I’ve tried being “good”, I’ve tried... goddamn it I really gave it my all. But it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough.. the dark side of my temptations is the path with less obstacles so it must be the right path, right? I wanted to good and be honest and just. But, in the end I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t endure and why should I? Why should I suffer doing “the right thing” with stupid naive hope for so long when I could just accept my nature for what it is and be myself. Being the asshole comes easier anyway. I spent a lot of time trying to be nice and do the right thing in the hopes that it would attract likeminded individuals. I was sorely mistaken. I got my emotions trampled on even more so than when I was the asshole who deserved it. So why not embrace the darkness? Just be the person people expect me to be. Who knows maybe I’ll stumble upon a diamond in the rough and get something I want or I’ll die alone it doesn’t really matter to me at this point as long as I’m enjoying the ride..