I just want to escape

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the sky is blue... by all means it’s technically a beautiful day. But, I feel so empty. I can’t even begin to explain it, this.. this feeling of not feeling. I feel as if I only think about escape. I hate where I live, I hate the people, I hate the smell, I hate it all. I just want to escape. To an island with a woman who cares about me if I ever find one. I just want to escape. To get away from all the things that destroyed me as a person. To be free of all the things weighing me down and reminding me of how stagnant I have become. I just want to escape. To a place where all I worry about is if I need sunglasses today or not. I just want to escape. To hide from all the terrible aspects of this life. I just want to escape. From all the feelings that haunt me both of past and present. I just want to escape. The feeling of being trapped and surrounded by hate. I just want to escape. The impending nature of how lonely I am and will continue to be. I just want to escape. The reality of how little people understand one another and how little they attempt to. I just want to escape. The feeling of obligation I have to those around me when they would never go that same mile for me. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape....

Swim in the light, dive in the dark.

They say swim in the light... have they even seen the darkness? Felt it’s temptation? Enjoyed the guilty pleasures that they refuse to admit? I’ve tried being “good”, I’ve tried... goddamn it I really gave it my all. But it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough.. the dark side of my temptations is the path with less obstacles so it must be the right path, right? I wanted to good and be honest and just. But, in the end I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t endure and why should I? Why should I suffer doing “the right thing” with stupid naive hope for so long when I could just accept my nature for what it is and be myself. Being the asshole comes easier anyway. I spent a lot of time trying to be nice and do the right thing in the hopes that it would attract likeminded individuals. I was sorely mistaken. I got my emotions trampled on even more so than when I was the asshole who deserved it. So why not embrace the darkness? Just be the person people expect me to be. Who knows maybe I’ll stumble upon a diamond in the rough and get something I want or I’ll die alone it doesn’t really matter to me at this point as long as I’m enjoying the ride..