Ch. 3 Internal bleeding

His eyes are blue as sky yet lately there is a deadness in them, as if to say his gaze could kill all who deserved to be penetrated by his cold stare. He's been on his pilgrimage for a year now and he feels like he knows nothing of what he set out to learn. The hero's goals were noble to begin with. He may not be as kindred as he was before but he still wishes to free himself from the shackles of his own subconscious and be one with himself and help all those who feel just like him. He wanted to be nice, he honestly tried to be someone whom everyone loved, but many took advantage of this naïveté. Each time someone betrayed him it felt like a dagger in his very soul. Scarring him and twisting his feelings and beliefs more and more each time. He eventually stopped wanting to be loved by his people and decided if they would never accept him then he would forever be alone and he gave up on finding love and happiness from within other individuals. Unfortunately for our hero, loneliness is a pain that can only be rivaled by betrayal and heartbreak. His heart has felt strange ever since the woman he lovED left. He's felt like his insides are rotting. The love turned to heart ache. He tried it all but he can't stop this metaphorical internal bleeding. His heart is leaking and from that wound is where his very essence is seeping out. The kindred spirit became the embodiment of Rage. The troubled boy is now an angry and hurt man. He thinks to himself, "why should I care? Why should it be me who has to save them? They didn't care when I needed them." Little does our hero know, the loneliness, pain, and rage he's built up over time is the source of his power. All the people who wronged him have helped to create the person he's become; An angry, rage filled man hell bent on making sure everyone gets what they honestly deserve. The people he's met and the places he's been are all what made him the man he so proudly is. So remember when you look into those cold piercing blue eyes that behind all that hate, sadness, and pain is a glimmer of something bright... Something bright? Deep down in those eyes something familiar grows, something people haven't seen in his eyes in years..         Hope

A break from the story....

Hey guys i know it's been awhile but trust me when I say I've been writing a lot of different entries in our heroes story which I'll be sharing soon

I want to clear one thing up. Just because I refer to him as a hero doesn't make him right. I wouldn't want anyone to look up to him EXCEPT those who have felt what he feels in my stories, the people who are struggling. I'm not saying that all those who feel the way he feels should resort to the methods he uses, but I am saying it helps. That's why I call him a hero, because everyday for the last few months I had been battling depression... Then one day The hero emerged and continues to save my life everyday. These stories are all true and they are the only events of this life worth telling. Again I say it, they may not be the best methods but they do ease the pain that is known as reality

Chapter 2: The Temptress and The Beginnings of The Rager

He wakes up. Another sleepless night. He spends most of his time brooding, he is unhappy for many reasons but number one being the temptress. Now be warned the Temptress is a formidable adversary even for our hero. She is beautiful, more beautiful than any other woman this side of the cosmos. Her hair is long, curly, and beautiful. Her eyes are a magnificent shade of brown and slightly angled to give her an oriental look. Her nose is cute and button like. Her body? Amazing. She is the truest form of beauty our hero has ever seen. But, unbeknownst to him she underneath all that beauty is the ugliest being alive. She is heartless and treacherous creature of the night. She sees our hero's inner strength and desires it for herself. She seduces him, they begin a cordial relationship and after so long they went off into separate directions.. Time passes and our hero is once again in the crosshairs of the deadly Temptress, she once again seduces him only this time our hero lowers his guard in hopes that their love is as true he feels it is. Seeing her opportunity the Temptress struck! She went for the kill but she knew she could not physically hurt the hero. Instead, she attacked not only his mind, pride, and Heart she decided to destroy our hero's will as well. After destroying our hero's soul and feasting upon his anguish she vanishes, moving on to the next fool who will allow her to devour his every emotion. This fortunately is not where the story ends. The hero falls into the most eerie and unstable depths of his now fragmented mind. His soul is tattered, and he has no clue how to fix it. He knows based on others recollections that he is nothing like the man he was before his battle with the Temptress. He decides to begin a journey to retrieve all of which the temptress stole. Allow me to remind you of the fact our hero is not thinking clearly. He knows he must get back the parts of his soul which were stolen, but he doesn't know how. In an attempt to ease hi mind he tries his hand at drugs, he starts small with marijuana and eventually finds himself doing ecstasy and acid, he likes the highs. He always drank alcohol but never in the amounts he recently has. It took him months of this before one night while laying on a strangers bathroom floor both drunk and high that he realized who he was and what his true mission is. Our hero has finally stumbled upon his destiny: he must stop this endless search for feelings he knows are lost to the temptress. He embraces his newfound coldness. Only after doing so will he be ready for the foes that are plotting against him. The Temptress believed the Heroes power came from all that which she had stolen. Little does she know that the hero's emotions were the only things holding him back from awakening his true powers. His disregard for all who stand against him is his new strength. He no longer cares about what his actions will cause to happen around him! He is more powerful than ever before! But is all that power really worth sacrificing his emotions? He scares all those whom are close to him. He is now more isolated than ever. His strength is enough to protect the rest of the universe...but without his emotions can he save himself?

Our hero is gaining strength all while losing his sense of identity, as he grows colder he loses more and more of who he truly is and is changed into a being of cold, heartless anger. The locals have begun to distance themselves out of fear. They have created a name they call him when he isn't near. "The Rager" 

A legendary 2014

I plan on continuing this blog but I'm making changes to my own life so I hope you guys will hopefully relate and even be able to feel better about your own problems as I work through mine. I'm no longer the boy who takes all the pain and mistreatment in stride. I'm angry and I've been trying to pretend I'm not. I've never lied to you guys but as you guessed I'm done trying to keep myself in check and behave. I'm 19 years old and I've been taking care of myself since I'm 11. I don't live under my parents roof so I'll be damned if I'm gonna take any more shit. I will no longer be telling you guys "Tales". I'm telling you guys Legends from now on. I am legendary.

Those Eyes

Nobody is as they seem. They all have something they keep locked deep inside. For some it's regret, for others it's pain. I keep both inside, but I'm not the only one. some old dude once said that "The Eyes Are The Window To The Soul" I agree with him.  when I was growing up my uncle's daughter who's actually a few years older than me got evicted and her and her other siblings had to live with us for awhile. no biggie. One day they came in my room without knocking. It's not like I was doing anything bad. I was doing what I still do mostly these days. just laying in bed listening to music. loud enough that they could hear it and unfortunately I never heard them come in the room. I had bunk beds at one time growing up(that's when things were going pretty good) I don't know why I had them, I grew up an only child and it wasn't like I had friends to stay over back then. I slept on the top bunk and would lay up there all the time. but anyway, they had watched me for 15 minutes or at least that's how long I know of. they just watched and heard the songs I was listening to like fucking weirdos! back then my walkmen (yes I had a walkmen) played only one CD, it was one I burned myself. they heard me listen to Stan by eminem 5 times before asking if I was ok. I didn't know what to say. I was caught! They had seen something nobody was meant to. I told them i fell asleep with it on repeat and that was the end of it. or so I thought.. later that day get brother and sister went to the park, it was just me and my older cousin now.. she was maybe 16 back then and I was about 10 or 11 I'm not sure. we were watching tv and she turned to me and said "you were awake" immediately I was dumbfounded. I asked what she meant. "your eyes were open, you laid there with the music on, staring at the ceiling lifeless barely even blinking" I laughed and said you're seeing things. she told me to stop lying. I was frozen. she knew what she saw, and I knew there was no convincing her otherwise. I tried to brush it off and say so? she looked me in the eye and said "You don't have to fake a smile all the time, it's no use. everyone can see the sadness in your eyes anyway"

She was right all those years ago. You can see every emotion when you look someone in the eye. so just remember, you don't have to fake a smile all the time. sometimes being strong means admitting you're not ok

HEY! MR. RAGER!

He lives in all of us. We all know him and we all have at one time or another let him take control. he's the voice that says "fuck it". you can ignore him all you want but his words become deafening after so long. the whispers become screams, the words become speeches and his nonsense becomes reason. He won't get you killed but he can get you hurt, your pain is the reason he exist. not to cause but to numb it. He wants to help in his own twisted way. trust me when I say that he is your strongest opponent and you're weakest ally all at once. He protects you from the very things he attracts. He is in definition, your pain, your sorrow and your anger embodied. I fear his existence. BUT I DO ACCEPT IT. for denying him is pointless, when you keep it bottled up it'll just burst at the wrong moments. when you're high and drunk he's out and about while your regular self enjoys the buzz. You will never meet him but everyone around you knows him all too well. I had him contained. or at least I thought I did. When I drink he begins to show himself, when I Black out it is him who keeps me going and keeps me safe. when I'm high he is happy, and allows me to be free from my troubles for a while. This man answers to nobody. He fears none. He respects few, and likes fewer.  He only wants one thing in return for the freedom he offers. He wants complete control while you enjoy his relief. I unlike most accepts his terms. He is the monster under your bed. He is the skeleton in your closet. He is forever. He is the Rager

Paradise

"Soaring through paradise, when I'm closing my eyes"

People live their lives in complete obliviousness. we work and strive for something that cannot be achieved. Scholars have asked since the beginning of time, what is the meaning of life? the answer is in front of them. nobody wants to accept it though. we live in order to die. We for some reason can't grasp this concept. we strive all our lives for happiness, it'll never be achieved. anyone with half a brain will never be content because they are intelligent enough to see the problems. then the select few who are a step ahead of the crowd know they'll never be happy. i myself have given up the search for happiness i have come to understand that paradise only exist when one closes their eyes in death. then you're free. I've never died so i can't deny the existence of an afterlife. i also can't confirm it. I've been contemplating atheism though. I mean how can a "magic man" aka God who loves and takes care of everyone exist. i say every night crying begging him, praying for one thing. and what'd i get? nothing! he took it all. if he even exists! i am in love but the one i love continually and habitually mistreats me. when i need some one the most I'm standing alone. I was told that nobody ever wanted me an no one ever will. I'm starting to believe it. i mean why else do they all leave? I just wanna go somewhere and be alone. my thoughts swirl and become more chaotic each day. i contemplate suicide at least 5 times a day. but is that so weird? everybody has their time to go, maybe mine is at hand. i have never given up when it comes to anything...maybe now is my time to start? "things do come around and make sense eventually" that's what I'm told but some things still trouble me. i feel like a black cloud follows me around. i feel like i was disconnected from everyone else a long time ago. i don't laugh as much as i used to and half the time i do laugh I'm faking it.

then again I'm just another kid at the train station on his phone. nobody would ever think all this goes through my mind just by looking. we all right out internal wars within our thoughts and feelings. we all have our struggle. I want out. My paradise is in my death. Only then will I be free. Happiness is just an illusion created by the cruel and sad. "ignorance is bliss"