One day...

4:55 AM

As I lay in a dark room I wonder to myself at almost 5 AM, why is life the way it is? Like there's so much I personally wanna know and experience and I know I can't be the only one. So my question is this, with all the things going on in the universe how are we all so wrapped up in such trivial things? Like how can the next person not stare up at the night sky and just wonder? Why do we let our daily lives that are filled with such monotonous things and people that we end up losing sight of the whole picture? I notice myself growing distant as the days pass. Its as if I'm seeing just how pointlessly shallow bonds are with people who you don't see eye to eye with morally and that's okay, every individual is out here coping, living with, or just maintaining in whatever situation life has given them. But rather than try to come together and understand one another we will greedily and selfishly use each other just for even a fleeting moment of whatever feeling were currently chasing at the time. We will destroy an entire persons very being just to help us feel whole if only for a moment. And I'm sorry but that's just a kind of life I don't want to live. I just want to explore the world and see some new colors and scenes maybe even more of the universe. To have someone to do that with would be dope. But as days go by I'm starting to see that the journey can be done alone. And it can still be beautiful..if you let it be.

I dont know why..

I feel so empty today

One day.. Some Day

One day. One day you'll have all that stuff you're longing so badly for. I know we see our days as numbered already and that time is just rushing by. But it'll all come one day. You've endured so much already and I know it sucks. But the strongest endures everything thrown their way. So just keep making your way down your path. Step by painful step... And it'll all be yours..

One Day..

Im all smiles..

I'm all smiles.

No matter what I fake that smile for everyone. Not because im happy during the moment but more so that they won't ask what's wrong. No matter how tattered and torn I feel I'm all smiles. Even when I'm dead inside, I'm all smiles. I'm all smiles... I'm all smiles. No matter how hard it gets I'm all smiles. I'm all smiles.. I feel like I'm heading down a road with no stoplights but I'm all smiles. Theyll spit on my grave but I'm all smiles. Nobody cares but I'm all smiles. I realized there are no answers to rid me of this cancer. But I'm all smiles. Nobody cares about the frowners... The downers. But I'm all smiles. Even though I feel I should just die, I'm all smiles. I want to end it all but I'm all smiles. Nobody would ever think I feel like this and that's why, I'm all smiles.

Not enough

I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't want to do anything anymore would be a better way to phrase it. I spend every day trying to erase my own memory. Is it weird that I no longer wanna be a part of this world? I'm still somewhat scared of death cause what if its nothing after this? The scarier part is I'm somewhat looking forward to the nothing if it is nothingness. I no longer wanna be human. I hate my feelings. I hate the way they make me act. I don't care about others, I'm a selfish savage of a man... Or at least I thought so. I want to be.. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of wanting what I'll never have...I'm tired of wanting something I see between others..something that feels unattainable in my eyes. I'm not shit to anyone.. I never was. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to form those bonds. At first I thought I didn't need them.. Didn't need anyone. But it hurts to be alone. Not physically, not entirely physically at least, there is this pain in my chest and throat I can't explain. But besides that,  being alone hurts differently for the most part. You'll know the pain. its not when you're physically alone in a room or something like that.. Its being in a room filled with people whom you may call friends and family and feeling like the odd one out. Its 4 AM when you can't sleep and you sit awake and think about how terrible a person you must be to end up like this. Only a terrible person could not be good enough every single time. Theres so much i wanna say, see, and do but all my attempts at such crazy things and happiness always lead me down a road filled with nothing but more emptiness and less self worth...I just wanna be good enough..just this once

Sleep is for the weak right? But sleep feels so good

I've never not been able to sleep when I'm this high. Its a little unsettling if I'm being honest I don't know why I can't maybe its all the writing I've been doing or maybe its just my body now, I just I don't know I want more out of this life I guess you could say.. Either that or maybe I want out of this life. I miss when all I worried about was going outside to play. Not worrying about the shit I do now. I hate myself lol