Not enough

I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't want to do anything anymore would be a better way to phrase it. I spend every day trying to erase my own memory. Is it weird that I no longer wanna be a part of this world? I'm still somewhat scared of death cause what if its nothing after this? The scarier part is I'm somewhat looking forward to the nothing if it is nothingness. I no longer wanna be human. I hate my feelings. I hate the way they make me act. I don't care about others, I'm a selfish savage of a man... Or at least I thought so. I want to be.. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of wanting what I'll never have...I'm tired of wanting something I see between others..something that feels unattainable in my eyes. I'm not shit to anyone.. I never was. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to form those bonds. At first I thought I didn't need them.. Didn't need anyone. But it hurts to be alone. Not physically, not entirely physically at least, there is this pain in my chest and throat I can't explain. But besides that,  being alone hurts differently for the most part. You'll know the pain. its not when you're physically alone in a room or something like that.. Its being in a room filled with people whom you may call friends and family and feeling like the odd one out. Its 4 AM when you can't sleep and you sit awake and think about how terrible a person you must be to end up like this. Only a terrible person could not be good enough every single time. Theres so much i wanna say, see, and do but all my attempts at such crazy things and happiness always lead me down a road filled with nothing but more emptiness and less self worth...I just wanna be good enough..just this once