Questions

Why do I feel? Why does anyone feel? Why do these "feelings" keep forcing me to do things I know I'd never do let alone want to do. How do I get a grip on them or rather how can I kill them? Drugs only numb and not for nothing its not working as much anymore I find myself questioning my own self worth and sanity for even caring about the person I do. Like all I want to do is steal her away from the world and show her what its really like to have someone on your side no matter what to show her real love... I wanted to give her a bunch of shit I've never gotten so I don't know how to give it, it sucks being broken. I'm starting to lose my want for human companionship. Living and dying alone is becoming more and more appealing to me. I don't know if its self loathing or some other narcissistic tendency but I feel an individual such as myself has no business trying to make others happy or wanting to "be" with someone. It feels like my soul died before my body and my body just hasn't gotten the hint. I don't eat without drugs helping my appetite otherwise it all comes back up and the doctors say I'm fine that only makes me feel worse though like great so I'm pretty much dead inside but my body says otherwise. Is it weird some days I wish I would drop dead already? Not all the time..just occasionally. Idk life just feels like such a chore these days. like some days are great and they go so fast and others I feel like life is at standstill like all my efforts land me in square 0 not even 1 like I'm behind even the first step towards my goals. Also I'm starting to feel like my goals are naïve and falsely placed into my mind by society and my own personal issues I'd rather not bring up. But that's just one of many thoughts I've had and right now in this moment of numb unobjectiveness I'm feeling like this is the time to ask them at least to myself...even if I don't know the answers.and this girl who the fuck is she?why the fuck is it hard to think around her? Why is it hard not to think about her when she isn't around? Why the fuck do I care so much? Why do I continue to chase after this impossible goal? Why? Why for the first time in my life do I wanna be nice? I'm the asshole the bad guy I've always been that nigga and played the role wonderfully, but why the fuck when I look in this girls eyes do I feel every part of my soul saying I could never hurt her or stop wanting to help, protect, just all around be in her life?why the fuck do I even wanna know why? Why does nothing entertain me anymore? Who do I talk to about this hollow feeling I feel 98% of the time? How do I explain to someone that j genuinely don't feel or care about mist things and that every aspect of my life feels trivial and unimportant? Why do all the women who wanna talk to me usually have a boyfriend of some sort? Why does my life feel worthless, why do I feel worthless. Where did my will to live go? Who knows how to fix me? Who can I ask without feeling judged or weird or even crazy ? Why can't I sleep without drugs or unfuckingfortunately the sound of this girls voice? Why do I keep trying? Should I even keep trying? This life shit is just starting to seem like I don't know.. Not worth it I guess is the best way to out it. Why do I hate going out in the day in crowds of people? Why am I the way I am? When did I become like this? There's still so much I wanna know. Am I the only person who feels like this? what exactly is this all for? Why am I scared of what some of these answers might be? is any of this even real? Why don't I dream anymore unless its nightmares? And the few times I do dream whybdo they feel so real? Nothing special happens its just like a perfect day plays in my mind and then its ripped from me in a way where I wonder if it actually happened. How the fuck do I kill off these questions and feelings ? How do I fill this void? This hollowness?