Delete..

I’ll delete every remnant of your existence in my life and burn anything you don’t come get just to be rid of you, but I still wish you the best I may hate you and be angry but I did like things about you too I just hope one day maybe we’ll be close again.

An exercise in futility

I tried to be a friend to someone who didn’t deserve it. Someone who deserves less than any of the other scum I dealt with. Someone who swore she cared and respected me. But all she did was lie to me, treat me like shit, and make me hate life more. so I’ve decided I’m done with cunts like that. I’ll never give another soul the benefit of the doubt or compassion. All anyone will receive from me is Venom and hate.

I just want to escape

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, the sky is blue... by all means it’s technically a beautiful day. But, I feel so empty. I can’t even begin to explain it, this.. this feeling of not feeling. I feel as if I only think about escape. I hate where I live, I hate the people, I hate the smell, I hate it all. I just want to escape. To an island with a woman who cares about me if I ever find one. I just want to escape. To get away from all the things that destroyed me as a person. To be free of all the things weighing me down and reminding me of how stagnant I have become. I just want to escape. To a place where all I worry about is if I need sunglasses today or not. I just want to escape. To hide from all the terrible aspects of this life. I just want to escape. From all the feelings that haunt me both of past and present. I just want to escape. The feeling of being trapped and surrounded by hate. I just want to escape. The impending nature of how lonely I am and will continue to be. I just want to escape. The reality of how little people understand one another and how little they attempt to. I just want to escape. The feeling of obligation I have to those around me when they would never go that same mile for me. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape. I just want to escape....

Swim in the light, dive in the dark.

They say swim in the light... have they even seen the darkness? Felt it’s temptation? Enjoyed the guilty pleasures that they refuse to admit? I’ve tried being “good”, I’ve tried... goddamn it I really gave it my all. But it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough.. the dark side of my temptations is the path with less obstacles so it must be the right path, right? I wanted to good and be honest and just. But, in the end I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t endure and why should I? Why should I suffer doing “the right thing” with stupid naive hope for so long when I could just accept my nature for what it is and be myself. Being the asshole comes easier anyway. I spent a lot of time trying to be nice and do the right thing in the hopes that it would attract likeminded individuals. I was sorely mistaken. I got my emotions trampled on even more so than when I was the asshole who deserved it. So why not embrace the darkness? Just be the person people expect me to be. Who knows maybe I’ll stumble upon a diamond in the rough and get something I want or I’ll die alone it doesn’t really matter to me at this point as long as I’m enjoying the ride..

?ew era ohw ,i ma ohw

Very little was left, you are sure, because you feel insignificant now. The hard slick heart of your soul: That is what remains. A body small as a river stone, and just as simple. You picture yourself as a piece of indigestible grit, a nameless nothing hiding among other nameless stones. Perhaps you glitter like a gem, yes. Pride makes you hope so. If only you could see yourself. But you have no eyes. Not the dimmest sense survives. What lives is memory, and what slim portion of these thoughts can you trust?

Return of the Rager

I'm sure you see my name and picture and hear about me just as much as I do you. I hope it disgusts and enrages you the way I do. You've ruined an entire season for me. All I do now is get fucked up to skip that part of the year. I can't even move on when I know I have because all of you are swine in your own way. I'm gonna be who I want to be not who I think is the right person to be. "You can try and numb the pain but it'll never go away". I'll accept that. As long as everyone else knows my pain and accepts it as well.

Wretches, wenches, and agents of the darkness

The very thought sickens me. I have no clue how I ever dealt with it let alone wanted it. But I will admit it was a terribly awful and fun experience both at once. I cannot come close to explain it in words but you know what I'd still do it again and let it all crash and burn into pieces with the bastardly grin that has made so many hate me spread as evilly across my face as possible for just long enough to make them realize that they're worth a little evil deed even one committed by a "hero"