Im all smiles..

I'm all smiles.

No matter what I fake that smile for everyone. Not because im happy during the moment but more so that they won't ask what's wrong. No matter how tattered and torn I feel I'm all smiles. Even when I'm dead inside, I'm all smiles. I'm all smiles... I'm all smiles. No matter how hard it gets I'm all smiles. I'm all smiles.. I feel like I'm heading down a road with no stoplights but I'm all smiles. Theyll spit on my grave but I'm all smiles. Nobody cares but I'm all smiles. I realized there are no answers to rid me of this cancer. But I'm all smiles. Nobody cares about the frowners... The downers. But I'm all smiles. Even though I feel I should just die, I'm all smiles. I want to end it all but I'm all smiles. Nobody would ever think I feel like this and that's why, I'm all smiles.

Not enough

I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't want to do anything anymore would be a better way to phrase it. I spend every day trying to erase my own memory. Is it weird that I no longer wanna be a part of this world? I'm still somewhat scared of death cause what if its nothing after this? The scarier part is I'm somewhat looking forward to the nothing if it is nothingness. I no longer wanna be human. I hate my feelings. I hate the way they make me act. I don't care about others, I'm a selfish savage of a man... Or at least I thought so. I want to be.. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of wanting what I'll never have...I'm tired of wanting something I see between others..something that feels unattainable in my eyes. I'm not shit to anyone.. I never was. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to form those bonds. At first I thought I didn't need them.. Didn't need anyone. But it hurts to be alone. Not physically, not entirely physically at least, there is this pain in my chest and throat I can't explain. But besides that,  being alone hurts differently for the most part. You'll know the pain. its not when you're physically alone in a room or something like that.. Its being in a room filled with people whom you may call friends and family and feeling like the odd one out. Its 4 AM when you can't sleep and you sit awake and think about how terrible a person you must be to end up like this. Only a terrible person could not be good enough every single time. Theres so much i wanna say, see, and do but all my attempts at such crazy things and happiness always lead me down a road filled with nothing but more emptiness and less self worth...I just wanna be good enough..just this once

Sleep is for the weak right? But sleep feels so good

I've never not been able to sleep when I'm this high. Its a little unsettling if I'm being honest I don't know why I can't maybe its all the writing I've been doing or maybe its just my body now, I just I don't know I want more out of this life I guess you could say.. Either that or maybe I want out of this life. I miss when all I worried about was going outside to play. Not worrying about the shit I do now. I hate myself lol

Questions

Why do I feel? Why does anyone feel? Why do these "feelings" keep forcing me to do things I know I'd never do let alone want to do. How do I get a grip on them or rather how can I kill them? Drugs only numb and not for nothing its not working as much anymore I find myself questioning my own self worth and sanity for even caring about the person I do. Like all I want to do is steal her away from the world and show her what its really like to have someone on your side no matter what to show her real love... I wanted to give her a bunch of shit I've never gotten so I don't know how to give it, it sucks being broken. I'm starting to lose my want for human companionship. Living and dying alone is becoming more and more appealing to me. I don't know if its self loathing or some other narcissistic tendency but I feel an individual such as myself has no business trying to make others happy or wanting to "be" with someone. It feels like my soul died before my body and my body just hasn't gotten the hint. I don't eat without drugs helping my appetite otherwise it all comes back up and the doctors say I'm fine that only makes me feel worse though like great so I'm pretty much dead inside but my body says otherwise. Is it weird some days I wish I would drop dead already? Not all the time..just occasionally. Idk life just feels like such a chore these days. like some days are great and they go so fast and others I feel like life is at standstill like all my efforts land me in square 0 not even 1 like I'm behind even the first step towards my goals. Also I'm starting to feel like my goals are naïve and falsely placed into my mind by society and my own personal issues I'd rather not bring up. But that's just one of many thoughts I've had and right now in this moment of numb unobjectiveness I'm feeling like this is the time to ask them at least to myself...even if I don't know the answers.and this girl who the fuck is she?why the fuck is it hard to think around her? Why is it hard not to think about her when she isn't around? Why the fuck do I care so much? Why do I continue to chase after this impossible goal? Why? Why for the first time in my life do I wanna be nice? I'm the asshole the bad guy I've always been that nigga and played the role wonderfully, but why the fuck when I look in this girls eyes do I feel every part of my soul saying I could never hurt her or stop wanting to help, protect, just all around be in her life?why the fuck do I even wanna know why? Why does nothing entertain me anymore? Who do I talk to about this hollow feeling I feel 98% of the time? How do I explain to someone that j genuinely don't feel or care about mist things and that every aspect of my life feels trivial and unimportant? Why do all the women who wanna talk to me usually have a boyfriend of some sort? Why does my life feel worthless, why do I feel worthless. Where did my will to live go? Who knows how to fix me? Who can I ask without feeling judged or weird or even crazy ? Why can't I sleep without drugs or unfuckingfortunately the sound of this girls voice? Why do I keep trying? Should I even keep trying? This life shit is just starting to seem like I don't know.. Not worth it I guess is the best way to out it. Why do I hate going out in the day in crowds of people? Why am I the way I am? When did I become like this? There's still so much I wanna know. Am I the only person who feels like this? what exactly is this all for? Why am I scared of what some of these answers might be? is any of this even real? Why don't I dream anymore unless its nightmares? And the few times I do dream whybdo they feel so real? Nothing special happens its just like a perfect day plays in my mind and then its ripped from me in a way where I wonder if it actually happened. How the fuck do I kill off these questions and feelings ? How do I fill this void? This hollowness?

A letter to myself

You knew what it was for so long. Why do you feel this way now? I'm not saying you're dumb but maybe you should've thought this through more my nigga. Catching feelings for a girl you've never even kissed or really even had a small romantic moment with. You told yourself you were done. But you cracked. You said it was gonna be strictly business since mid February. But again here we are my nigga. I'm saying this cause I care and I can't stand looking in the mirror and seeing that look on our face. What happened to the plan to be a fucking zombie with money and no feelings till we die? What happened to being "happy happy getting shitfaced by myself"? Honestly my nigga you need to get it together. I think you should take some personal time and get to know yourself some more cause you can't stick to your own words of advice. Just take a few days alone. Smoke some weed and just relax maybe meditate or something. You knew this wasn't your strong suit, you knew it would probably go like this so how about next time you just know your place. Don't dream too big kid. - Ty

Checking in...

I wanna hide. If I'm being more honest I want to run away. Far away. Away from all of this shit. I did everything right.. And still I was wrong in the end? Maybe I am as unloveable as I was told those years ago. Maybe I'm just as broken as I thought. Like I said I just wanna go... And never look back. There's not much holding me here. But I'm scared that people are the same no matter where you are, if that's the case I'm sorry but I'd kill myself. I'd be crushed to see that there is no hope or kindness in this world. And here I am probably very naïvely, believing in words and people. I don't wanna do this anymore