Swim in the light, dive in the dark.

They say swim in the light... have they even seen the darkness? Felt it’s temptation? Enjoyed the guilty pleasures that they refuse to admit? I’ve tried being “good”, I’ve tried... goddamn it I really gave it my all. But it wasn’t enough, it would never be enough.. the dark side of my temptations is the path with less obstacles so it must be the right path, right? I wanted to good and be honest and just. But, in the end I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t endure and why should I? Why should I suffer doing “the right thing” with stupid naive hope for so long when I could just accept my nature for what it is and be myself. Being the asshole comes easier anyway. I spent a lot of time trying to be nice and do the right thing in the hopes that it would attract likeminded individuals. I was sorely mistaken. I got my emotions trampled on even more so than when I was the asshole who deserved it. So why not embrace the darkness? Just be the person people expect me to be. Who knows maybe I’ll stumble upon a diamond in the rough and get something I want or I’ll die alone it doesn’t really matter to me at this point as long as I’m enjoying the ride..

?ew era ohw ,i ma ohw

Very little was left, you are sure, because you feel insignificant now. The hard slick heart of your soul: That is what remains. A body small as a river stone, and just as simple. You picture yourself as a piece of indigestible grit, a nameless nothing hiding among other nameless stones. Perhaps you glitter like a gem, yes. Pride makes you hope so. If only you could see yourself. But you have no eyes. Not the dimmest sense survives. What lives is memory, and what slim portion of these thoughts can you trust?

Return of the Rager

I'm sure you see my name and picture and hear about me just as much as I do you. I hope it disgusts and enrages you the way I do. You've ruined an entire season for me. All I do now is get fucked up to skip that part of the year. I can't even move on when I know I have because all of you are swine in your own way. I'm gonna be who I want to be not who I think is the right person to be. "You can try and numb the pain but it'll never go away". I'll accept that. As long as everyone else knows my pain and accepts it as well.

Wretches, wenches, and agents of the darkness

The very thought sickens me. I have no clue how I ever dealt with it let alone wanted it. But I will admit it was a terribly awful and fun experience both at once. I cannot come close to explain it in words but you know what I'd still do it again and let it all crash and burn into pieces with the bastardly grin that has made so many hate me spread as evilly across my face as possible for just long enough to make them realize that they're worth a little evil deed even one committed by a "hero"

Je ne suis toujours pas le type à sauver mais

I'm no angel myself. I know I'd corrupt everything about you. I'd probably destroy the person you are there'll be no going back from this kinda plunge. You talk everyday about it as if you're ready for that kinda leap of faith. I'm asking do you think you're strong enough? Asking if you believe you've got the power to make your will become physical phenomena before your very eyes? Or are you another foolish child who swears she's different and can understand where I'm coming from with this state of mind. Im too old for games at this point, I'd like to think you are but I give no one the benefit of the doubt these days. I spent my morning writing about you (both good and bad) after I left your side and I myself can't tell if that's a good or bad sign but I want to find out. You laugh with me about it when I text you or tell you "sell your soul to me and bring me your mind" but little do you know that that is the very least it'll take to shake my doubts about this, whatever this is. Were at in impasse where a definitive answer or label will have to be chosen and I am not sure if that's what I want to do yet. I like it here, unknown, pure. Every days an adventure and every night a mystery that could go any which way and end up something entirely new and different but that all dies when we take the dive.. Only two options become available at that point did it last or not? I hate to limit whatever "this" is to just that. and that's just the beginning dealing with me and the unknown wouldn't be easy but it'd be fun I can promise that! On top of all that is the fact I've come to notice that contrary to what every single person will say people do change over time, would you exposure to me be good for you too? Or would I just break your spirit? Drain you emotionally and wind up back at square one..I don't want that, I've come to love the annoyingly confidence you have in the fact you could make this all worth it, I love seeing you be what I'm looking for from this far.. What if we get closer and see that its not what we thought was there in the first place? I'm sure you'll see this and immediately text or call me after you do ranting and raving "how you can do all this and more and you'll show me" or something along those lines.. And I'll love every moment of it, hell I might even believe you.

Je t'aime beaucoup, tu es drôle, t'es à moi

I don't even know what I'm doing if I'm being completely honest, I'm just out here doing the more of the same that everyone else is, I'm just adding to the cycle of pain. But I cant have what I want most, so why should I worry about the wants or needs of others? You'll just be another name on a list by the time were done, and from the way things have been these past few weeks I don't see our dance coming to an end anytime soon. I don't want to be attached to you but you grow on me as each day passes. I show up with an attitude as nasty as it is harsh and by the time I leave I'm playful and content I'd even go so far as to say its actually good for me. None of them have ever made me laugh or smile with them, I can honestly say that I've always been the one "trying" to improve the others mood but for once I feel that its symbiotic. The only problem is I'm toxic and I know it. I know I'd be no good for them. I'd simply corrupt her and I don't want that again. I chose to surround myself with demons and yet an angel still reached out to me and offered to save my soul.. They say sometimes the harder decision is the right one, life would go back to being bleak and colorless for me but she'd stay the way she is, She'd never have to tackle my problems and issues. I have to give her credit though she's gracefully handled every situation I've seen her in so far, so just maybe she really can do everything she says is possible. I can't lie when I'm around her even I start to believe her crazy delusions of grandeur between us. Like everything could be so simple. It makes me laugh... She makes me laugh. I've never wanted to keep something like this, at the least its exactly as I first told her when she asked what I was looking for and I told her, "something different". I want to keep it, or rather her.

Fucking weirdo, this ones for you.

But most of all..

I just wanna die already, I'm so tired of life..