?ew era ohw ,i ma ohw

Very little was left, you are sure, because you feel insignificant now. The hard slick heart of your soul: That is what remains. A body small as a river stone, and just as simple. You picture yourself as a piece of indigestible grit, a nameless nothing hiding among other nameless stones. Perhaps you glitter like a gem, yes. Pride makes you hope so. If only you could see yourself. But you have no eyes. Not the dimmest sense survives. What lives is memory, and what slim portion of these thoughts can you trust?

Return of the Rager

I'm sure you see my name and picture and hear about me just as much as I do you. I hope it disgusts and enrages you the way I do. You've ruined an entire season for me. All I do now is get fucked up to skip that part of the year. I can't even move on when I know I have because all of you are swine in your own way. I'm gonna be who I want to be not who I think is the right person to be. "You can try and numb the pain but it'll never go away". I'll accept that. As long as everyone else knows my pain and accepts it as well.

Wretches, wenches, and agents of the darkness

The very thought sickens me. I have no clue how I ever dealt with it let alone wanted it. But I will admit it was a terribly awful and fun experience both at once. I cannot come close to explain it in words but you know what I'd still do it again and let it all crash and burn into pieces with the bastardly grin that has made so many hate me spread as evilly across my face as possible for just long enough to make them realize that they're worth a little evil deed even one committed by a "hero"

Je ne suis toujours pas le type à sauver mais

I'm no angel myself. I know I'd corrupt everything about you. I'd probably destroy the person you are there'll be no going back from this kinda plunge. You talk everyday about it as if you're ready for that kinda leap of faith. I'm asking do you think you're strong enough? Asking if you believe you've got the power to make your will become physical phenomena before your very eyes? Or are you another foolish child who swears she's different and can understand where I'm coming from with this state of mind. Im too old for games at this point, I'd like to think you are but I give no one the benefit of the doubt these days. I spent my morning writing about you (both good and bad) after I left your side and I myself can't tell if that's a good or bad sign but I want to find out. You laugh with me about it when I text you or tell you "sell your soul to me and bring me your mind" but little do you know that that is the very least it'll take to shake my doubts about this, whatever this is. Were at in impasse where a definitive answer or label will have to be chosen and I am not sure if that's what I want to do yet. I like it here, unknown, pure. Every days an adventure and every night a mystery that could go any which way and end up something entirely new and different but that all dies when we take the dive.. Only two options become available at that point did it last or not? I hate to limit whatever "this" is to just that. and that's just the beginning dealing with me and the unknown wouldn't be easy but it'd be fun I can promise that! On top of all that is the fact I've come to notice that contrary to what every single person will say people do change over time, would you exposure to me be good for you too? Or would I just break your spirit? Drain you emotionally and wind up back at square one..I don't want that, I've come to love the annoyingly confidence you have in the fact you could make this all worth it, I love seeing you be what I'm looking for from this far.. What if we get closer and see that its not what we thought was there in the first place? I'm sure you'll see this and immediately text or call me after you do ranting and raving "how you can do all this and more and you'll show me" or something along those lines.. And I'll love every moment of it, hell I might even believe you.

Je t'aime beaucoup, tu es drôle, t'es à moi

I don't even know what I'm doing if I'm being completely honest, I'm just out here doing the more of the same that everyone else is, I'm just adding to the cycle of pain. But I cant have what I want most, so why should I worry about the wants or needs of others? You'll just be another name on a list by the time were done, and from the way things have been these past few weeks I don't see our dance coming to an end anytime soon. I don't want to be attached to you but you grow on me as each day passes. I show up with an attitude as nasty as it is harsh and by the time I leave I'm playful and content I'd even go so far as to say its actually good for me. None of them have ever made me laugh or smile with them, I can honestly say that I've always been the one "trying" to improve the others mood but for once I feel that its symbiotic. The only problem is I'm toxic and I know it. I know I'd be no good for them. I'd simply corrupt her and I don't want that again. I chose to surround myself with demons and yet an angel still reached out to me and offered to save my soul.. They say sometimes the harder decision is the right one, life would go back to being bleak and colorless for me but she'd stay the way she is, She'd never have to tackle my problems and issues. I have to give her credit though she's gracefully handled every situation I've seen her in so far, so just maybe she really can do everything she says is possible. I can't lie when I'm around her even I start to believe her crazy delusions of grandeur between us. Like everything could be so simple. It makes me laugh... She makes me laugh. I've never wanted to keep something like this, at the least its exactly as I first told her when she asked what I was looking for and I told her, "something different". I want to keep it, or rather her.

Fucking weirdo, this ones for you.

But most of all..

I just wanna die already, I'm so tired of life..

Even with the 3

Will I still feel dead inside,

Money, power, respect.

I've decided that's all that matters, I spent a good amount of time trying to see life from a different less cold and dreary perspective and it got me nowhere just annoyed by the futility of my own actions. I can honestly say those 3 things are what matter. No leaders or great men accomplished what they wanted for love or feelings. They did it for themselves. For the only feeling that matters and that's power and wealth, so much so you can't help but command the respect of others. Its not he who acknowledges everyone that gets noticed it is he is acknowledged by everyone. So therefore I'm basically saying don't ask me for shit cause I ain't got it, For you at least. And "don't quote me boy cause I ain't said shit."

Designed for what purpose?

A crack here, a crack there, it still works right? At the very least you can say its performing most of the necessary functions in the proper manner. Even if its not working at 100% or its not completely complete, its still a work in progress you can always fix it some say you can get a new one but all the important stuff is on yours. There's nothing wrong with a factory reset either occasionally just to take the useless things of the past and delete them. Sometimes you need to delete memories in order to save new ones. None of this is about electronics but the similarities are ironic are they not? Hah I guess a couple of the wires in my heart are broken. They'd have to be cause in all reality these words about the heart will never be spoken

One day...

4:55 AM

As I lay in a dark room I wonder to myself at almost 5 AM, why is life the way it is? Like there's so much I personally wanna know and experience and I know I can't be the only one. So my question is this, with all the things going on in the universe how are we all so wrapped up in such trivial things? Like how can the next person not stare up at the night sky and just wonder? Why do we let our daily lives that are filled with such monotonous things and people that we end up losing sight of the whole picture? I notice myself growing distant as the days pass. Its as if I'm seeing just how pointlessly shallow bonds are with people who you don't see eye to eye with morally and that's okay, every individual is out here coping, living with, or just maintaining in whatever situation life has given them. But rather than try to come together and understand one another we will greedily and selfishly use each other just for even a fleeting moment of whatever feeling were currently chasing at the time. We will destroy an entire persons very being just to help us feel whole if only for a moment. And I'm sorry but that's just a kind of life I don't want to live. I just want to explore the world and see some new colors and scenes maybe even more of the universe. To have someone to do that with would be dope. But as days go by I'm starting to see that the journey can be done alone. And it can still be beautiful..if you let it be.

I dont know why..

I feel so empty today

One day.. Some Day

One day. One day you'll have all that stuff you're longing so badly for. I know we see our days as numbered already and that time is just rushing by. But it'll all come one day. You've endured so much already and I know it sucks. But the strongest endures everything thrown their way. So just keep making your way down your path. Step by painful step... And it'll all be yours..

One Day..

Im all smiles..

I'm all smiles.

No matter what I fake that smile for everyone. Not because im happy during the moment but more so that they won't ask what's wrong. No matter how tattered and torn I feel I'm all smiles. Even when I'm dead inside, I'm all smiles. I'm all smiles... I'm all smiles. No matter how hard it gets I'm all smiles. I'm all smiles.. I feel like I'm heading down a road with no stoplights but I'm all smiles. Theyll spit on my grave but I'm all smiles. Nobody cares but I'm all smiles. I realized there are no answers to rid me of this cancer. But I'm all smiles. Nobody cares about the frowners... The downers. But I'm all smiles. Even though I feel I should just die, I'm all smiles. I want to end it all but I'm all smiles. Nobody would ever think I feel like this and that's why, I'm all smiles.

Not enough

I don't know what to do anymore.. I don't want to do anything anymore would be a better way to phrase it. I spend every day trying to erase my own memory. Is it weird that I no longer wanna be a part of this world? I'm still somewhat scared of death cause what if its nothing after this? The scarier part is I'm somewhat looking forward to the nothing if it is nothingness. I no longer wanna be human. I hate my feelings. I hate the way they make me act. I don't care about others, I'm a selfish savage of a man... Or at least I thought so. I want to be.. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of wanting what I'll never have...I'm tired of wanting something I see between others..something that feels unattainable in my eyes. I'm not shit to anyone.. I never was. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to form those bonds. At first I thought I didn't need them.. Didn't need anyone. But it hurts to be alone. Not physically, not entirely physically at least, there is this pain in my chest and throat I can't explain. But besides that,  being alone hurts differently for the most part. You'll know the pain. its not when you're physically alone in a room or something like that.. Its being in a room filled with people whom you may call friends and family and feeling like the odd one out. Its 4 AM when you can't sleep and you sit awake and think about how terrible a person you must be to end up like this. Only a terrible person could not be good enough every single time. Theres so much i wanna say, see, and do but all my attempts at such crazy things and happiness always lead me down a road filled with nothing but more emptiness and less self worth...I just wanna be good enough..just this once

Sleep is for the weak right? But sleep feels so good

I've never not been able to sleep when I'm this high. Its a little unsettling if I'm being honest I don't know why I can't maybe its all the writing I've been doing or maybe its just my body now, I just I don't know I want more out of this life I guess you could say.. Either that or maybe I want out of this life. I miss when all I worried about was going outside to play. Not worrying about the shit I do now. I hate myself lol

Questions

Why do I feel? Why does anyone feel? Why do these "feelings" keep forcing me to do things I know I'd never do let alone want to do. How do I get a grip on them or rather how can I kill them? Drugs only numb and not for nothing its not working as much anymore I find myself questioning my own self worth and sanity for even caring about the person I do. Like all I want to do is steal her away from the world and show her what its really like to have someone on your side no matter what to show her real love... I wanted to give her a bunch of shit I've never gotten so I don't know how to give it, it sucks being broken. I'm starting to lose my want for human companionship. Living and dying alone is becoming more and more appealing to me. I don't know if its self loathing or some other narcissistic tendency but I feel an individual such as myself has no business trying to make others happy or wanting to "be" with someone. It feels like my soul died before my body and my body just hasn't gotten the hint. I don't eat without drugs helping my appetite otherwise it all comes back up and the doctors say I'm fine that only makes me feel worse though like great so I'm pretty much dead inside but my body says otherwise. Is it weird some days I wish I would drop dead already? Not all the time..just occasionally. Idk life just feels like such a chore these days. like some days are great and they go so fast and others I feel like life is at standstill like all my efforts land me in square 0 not even 1 like I'm behind even the first step towards my goals. Also I'm starting to feel like my goals are naïve and falsely placed into my mind by society and my own personal issues I'd rather not bring up. But that's just one of many thoughts I've had and right now in this moment of numb unobjectiveness I'm feeling like this is the time to ask them at least to myself...even if I don't know the answers.and this girl who the fuck is she?why the fuck is it hard to think around her? Why is it hard not to think about her when she isn't around? Why the fuck do I care so much? Why do I continue to chase after this impossible goal? Why? Why for the first time in my life do I wanna be nice? I'm the asshole the bad guy I've always been that nigga and played the role wonderfully, but why the fuck when I look in this girls eyes do I feel every part of my soul saying I could never hurt her or stop wanting to help, protect, just all around be in her life?why the fuck do I even wanna know why? Why does nothing entertain me anymore? Who do I talk to about this hollow feeling I feel 98% of the time? How do I explain to someone that j genuinely don't feel or care about mist things and that every aspect of my life feels trivial and unimportant? Why do all the women who wanna talk to me usually have a boyfriend of some sort? Why does my life feel worthless, why do I feel worthless. Where did my will to live go? Who knows how to fix me? Who can I ask without feeling judged or weird or even crazy ? Why can't I sleep without drugs or unfuckingfortunately the sound of this girls voice? Why do I keep trying? Should I even keep trying? This life shit is just starting to seem like I don't know.. Not worth it I guess is the best way to out it. Why do I hate going out in the day in crowds of people? Why am I the way I am? When did I become like this? There's still so much I wanna know. Am I the only person who feels like this? what exactly is this all for? Why am I scared of what some of these answers might be? is any of this even real? Why don't I dream anymore unless its nightmares? And the few times I do dream whybdo they feel so real? Nothing special happens its just like a perfect day plays in my mind and then its ripped from me in a way where I wonder if it actually happened. How the fuck do I kill off these questions and feelings ? How do I fill this void? This hollowness?

A letter to myself

You knew what it was for so long. Why do you feel this way now? I'm not saying you're dumb but maybe you should've thought this through more my nigga. Catching feelings for a girl you've never even kissed or really even had a small romantic moment with. You told yourself you were done. But you cracked. You said it was gonna be strictly business since mid February. But again here we are my nigga. I'm saying this cause I care and I can't stand looking in the mirror and seeing that look on our face. What happened to the plan to be a fucking zombie with money and no feelings till we die? What happened to being "happy happy getting shitfaced by myself"? Honestly my nigga you need to get it together. I think you should take some personal time and get to know yourself some more cause you can't stick to your own words of advice. Just take a few days alone. Smoke some weed and just relax maybe meditate or something. You knew this wasn't your strong suit, you knew it would probably go like this so how about next time you just know your place. Don't dream too big kid. - Ty

Checking in...

I wanna hide. If I'm being more honest I want to run away. Far away. Away from all of this shit. I did everything right.. And still I was wrong in the end? Maybe I am as unloveable as I was told those years ago. Maybe I'm just as broken as I thought. Like I said I just wanna go... And never look back. There's not much holding me here. But I'm scared that people are the same no matter where you are, if that's the case I'm sorry but I'd kill myself. I'd be crushed to see that there is no hope or kindness in this world. And here I am probably very naïvely, believing in words and people. I don't wanna do this anymore

Give up?

Do you ever feel like nothing is going in the direction you want? I feel like giving up, on everything. I don't mean that in a suicidal way. Just that I don't really feel like putting my time and effort into much anymore. I need a few days alone. I dont even really get why I'm upset. It bothers me that I don't understand my emotions. And if I'm being totally honest its like the more I try to be the "good guy" the more I get stepped on in this world by the very people I give the most to. It makes it so difficult to not explode and lash out at everyone. Maybe its because I don't see the world the way they do... I see a clock counting down no matter how hard I try to avoid the problem. I say it all that time that I want to die... But does that mean I can't be afraid of it still? I mean I accepted it years ago when I found out but I still don't like it. It really sucks I have to write this just to vent. I wish I had someone I could talk to when these thoughts start to drown me..